A Deeping Respect for my Mother: Letters from Prison

I have been 'taking a trip down memory lane' recently as I am sorting through letters that my father wrote to my mother and myself when he was put in prison. The letters date back to 1976 when he first arrived in Hennepin County Jail. My intention in sorting through these letters is to compile them as memoirs from my father in a book, sharing insights from a person who has had a father in prison most of their life and recognizing God's love for my father even through all of his actions. I haven't read these letters for years and didn't even realize some of them existed.

The most profound thought that came to my mind, as I began sorting through the 20 some years worth of letters, wasn't how awful the nature of my father's crime was or the things he chose to share with me about everyday life in prison, but was the sacrificial love that my mother chose to show him and me.

For the longest time, my father thought he was going to beat the system, actually right up until his death, and be released from prison. There was a time when he came to grips with reality, a short time, and saw that he wasn't going to be released and as he described it, "I love you Bev, but I don't think things are going to work out very good."

He knew what he had done and he knew that there was a good chance that my mother would abandon him.

I had grown up thinking that my mother was a sucker in staying with my him for as long as she did. She stayed with him for several years after he was put away. I believed it was her upbringing and naivety or insecurity that kept her with him for so long. When I went back to the letters he wrote her from prison, I saw something different.

My father pleaded with her to stay with him.

"Bev, what I got to say is that I love you and Traci very much and I have done a lot of bad things to you two. I don't know if something is wrong with me or not. My head hurts a lot and that all I do is think about you two guys and all the good things that we had. And all the good things we could have had if I would have not done things.

I know that you are hurt very much from all of this and you are about to give up. All I can do I can do is pray to God that you will not give up  and that you will try to still want me and love me.

And if you can't love me, please stay with me because a little bit of love or bad love is better than no love at all."

Clark

He later went on, in other letters, declaring how he would end his life if he didn't have us. I remember my mother coming to me, when I was about 10 or 11 years old, and asking my permission to divorce my father. She had stayed with him nearly five years after he was put away.

I can't imagine all the heartache she must have gone through in those five years of visiting, writing, and receiving phone calls from him. I remember taking trips to the prison and entering the visiting room with all the other inmates and their families. I was an environment I was unaccustomed. It was certainly an environment my mother was unaccustomed to growing up in a suburban, two-parent, church-attending home.

If I had been in my mother's shoes, I would have bailed as soon as I could get myself a divorce attorney. I wouldn't have thought about my actions and the consequences it would have on the person who had hurt me most in life. I would have wanted to do the opposite. I would have taken my daughter and ran as far as I could have, letting him rot in prison for what he had done.

My mom was a gentle spirit though. She had a way of just being there for people, that I am not so sure has been passed down to me. I think she stayed as long as she could and had compassion on my father when he didn't deserve compassion, a Christ-like compassion. Maybe she was thinking about me as well; how by knowing that my father and mother were still married would create a sense of security where there really was none.

Either way, I now see my mother's actions as a sacrificial love toward my father and myself. Not an insecure reaction to a horrible situation as I have seen it for so many years.

My mother and father are both dead now. But my hope is, that I will see them both in a different light as the words from these letters unfold.



Blue Monday and the Bullet Symbol

Today was a work day at the paper. It was unlike other typical work days in that my usual upbeat co-workers were unusually quiet. It probably didn’t help that it was one of the coldest days of the winter. Karry, who works on billing and in the front of the office, shared that it’s probably going to be a quiet, boring day. I thought maybe I could clean the toilet or change some light bulbs if no ads or emails came in. Thankfully, no toilets or light bulbs for me as ads trickled in steadily throughout the day along with some stories to format.  Not surprisingly, our email was bombarded by news of the inauguration ceremony for President Obama. That wasn’t very exciting though. I think the only one who cared much about that was the CNN reporter who couldn’t contain her tears, saying, “I have to pinch myself today.” The phone only rang three or four times the whole day, most of which were just family members checking in with each of us. We had maybe one call for business purposes.

My boss checked in at the beginning of the day. He usually has something funny to talk about or some story about a football team that played over the weekend. He and Patty, the other football fan in the office, usually trade comments and complain about the quarterback. Nothing today, though.  I suppose it may be because the Vikings are losers and have been knocked out the playoffs. Or maybe it’s because nobody really cares who are in the playoffs now, being left with the usual successful teams in the running for the Super Bowl. Or maybe it’s just because it’s cold and a Monday. I don’t know.

I went to the café next door to pick up lunch, the café that is usually noisy and filled with locals. Today the café had two patrons sitting in the back corner with glum looks on their faces, one of them gesturing the waitress for a coffee refill. I guess people weren’t very hungry today either.

The long day ended and I drove home. On the way home, the radio announced that it’s “Blue Monday” which is thought to be the most depressing day of the year. I recollected on the highlight of my day, the one thing that brought me out of my slump; an accidental discovery of the keystroke combination that produced a bullet on my Apple computer . .  Alt 8!

 That was it. That was my excitement for the day. I will attribute it all to being ‘Blue Monday.’ Or maybe it’s because we currently have about 3.2 hours of sunlight a day. Or perhaps it’s because I just took our Christmas tree down and realized I’ll have to wait until February for Groundhog Day, my second favorite holiday. I don’t know what the cause was for all the moping. But I hear that we are on the upward swing now with only 55 more days ‘till spring. Hoping we all have a terrific Tuesday tomorrow!

 

 

 

Time with God

As I am sitting here, ready to do my devotions, even taking time to pray and ask God to help me learn something from today's Bible reading, the Cheer's theme song is ringing in my head. Why can't I focus? Why do I do one-hundred million things before I sit down and spend time with God? Why have all of the sudden, taking the Christmas wreath off the wall and putting all my guitar pics neatly in their case become things that must be done. It's certainly not because I am a type A, neat freak. Ask my husband, I'm a slob.

I attribute this to one of three things: 1) I am highly distractible and in need of a dose of Ativan 2) Lack of spiritual discipline 3) Satan.

I would like to think there is nothing I can do about this and choose either option one or three. However, I am probably stuck with option two and will just need to learn to park by butt on the couch and spend some time with God!

Ice on the Lake!

Skating on the Lake

 

A friend and I enjoyed the afternoon skating on a newly iced-over lake. The water was open in the middle of the lake just a couple weeks ago, but with some cold temps over the last several days, we are finally able to walk out onto the lake. Several people are out ice fishing and just wandering around.

The interesting thing about how the lake froze this year, was the way it froze. For the last couple weeks, we had ice around the edge and open water in the middle of the lake. When the entire lake froze, it froze over the old ice and made new ice. The picture above shows where the edge of the ice met the open water. Now there is about 8" of ice . . old and new.

 

When you get to the edge of the old ice, it appears as an abyss. Nothing but black under the clear ice. Quite unnerving as your skating onto it. My friend was just ready to skate over the former icebergs onto the newly formed ice.

 

 

It's pretty amazing that we didn't have any snow cover on the lake and were able to see the ice formation this year!

 

 





White Christmas Cover, Arranged by Alex Kimball

My little cousin, Alex just put this video out . . enjoy! From what I have seen of his talent so far, I KNOW we will be seeing more of him.

China, Sue and the Dragon Cake

China, Sue and the Dragon Cake

 

I had the privilege to create a dragon fondant cake for a friend who was celebrating the birthday of their Chinese foreign exchange student. At the time of the birthday party, my friend told me that the Chinese people don't make cakes for birthdays and that this would be a very special thing for her guest. The student they have staying with them was given the name Sue, for ease of pronunciation. She chose the name herself.

Yesterday, I was checking facebook posts, and I stumbled upon something very disturbing. It was a video post of an Asian woman, I can't say if she was Chinese, but that is what I suspect. The woman was physically abusing her infant daughter. I wanted to punch the computer screen and felt completely helpless upon seeing the video. Another person was video taping the act of abuse. There were a few young children standing back observing. The woman hit the infant over the head with a pillow violently as the baby was crying. The baby, of course, continued to cry because of the blows. The baby whimpered and cried some more. The mother or caregiver, whatever she was, hit the baby in the face then pinched its legs while she yelled at it. They baby cried even louder. Then the woman pinched the nose of the baby very hard. The baby tried to reach up to the woman and the woman shoved the baby's arm away and pushed it into the corner. Then she kicked the baby in the stomach and hit it in the face again. The child had no other defense than to turn her head away from the abuse.

I was thankful that the video ended and quickly added my comment to the other horrified viewers. The person who shared the video stated that the mother of the baby and the person who video-taped the incident were put in jail. I was somewhat relieved at hearing that but still horrified. She also stated that the mother was going to try to have the video removed . . I don't know where she got the information, but it was removed shortly after. I sat there and cried for a while.

I thought about how much these type of things go on and we hear about it on the news or read about an incident in the paper or internet, but never actually see it happen . .  right in front of our eyes. When I told my husband, he said that it was probably staged. I told him there is no way it could have been. I said, "You know that this type of thing, and worse, goes on. And you know that a lot of things get video taped with all the technology available . . so why wouldn't we eventually see something like that?" He just nodded.

So this really isn't a post about a dragon cake . . which brings me back to my friend and her foreign exchange student from China. After viewing the disturbing video, I told another friend about the video. This friend shared a little more about the exchange student as she is also friends with the family. She stated that Sue shared that women are not valued in China, something I guess we all knew, and that this birthday celebration . . the cake, presents, guests, food and attention . . is not something that she has ever been accustomed to.

All of this made me think that the acts committed on this horrific video are probably not uncommon occurances. If the value of a female child is so little, this may be actually quite common. We already know of the abortion rates and infanticide of females in this country. And we also know how males are valued over females in China.

I pray for this country. I pray that freedom of religion would come to this country. I pray that underground Christian churches and their values could come to surface and spread the message of love of God and value of human life . . all human life. Please join me in prayer for China and its people.

Small dogs in a big world . . 1 Peter 5:7

 

"Casting all your Anxiety on Him, because He cares for you"

1 Peter 5:7

 

I was watching my new puppy, Butters, this summer as he watched boats go by on the lake. I think the noise of the speedboats caught his attention that day and he was in awe of all the lake activity . . the waterskiiers, kids tubing, old people pontooning. I remember thinking, 'It's a good thing I'm out here . . there's a few eagles lurking around waiting to snatch up any fur-bearing critter they can get their beaks on.' Butters seemed oblivous to this danger. Actually, there wasn't much he seemed afraid of that August afternoon. He certainly wasn't afraid of the water . . or the edge of the dock . . or the loud sounds of the speedboats passing by.

He had one concern though. He was mindfully aware of my presence or lack thereof. He repeatedly looked back to the swing I was reading in . . just to make sure I was there. If I got up, he got up and trailed after me.

I was his protector and keeper. He could go along with life on the shore . . watching the boats, digging up seaweed, rolling in dead fish or whatever, as long as he knew I was there. Life was pretty good for Butters that day.

Watching Butters in his contentment, made me think back a few years and how life could have been better for me. I wished I would have been Butters, not literally . . though life as a dog is not too bad . . but figuratively speaking. I wished I hadn't spent most of the last fifteen years or so in constant anxiety and worry, unable to secure the knowledge of my own Protector and Keeper. I wished I would have had the ability to sit back and enjoy what God was giving me . . babies in diapers, toddlers with peas up their noses, a neurotic mother, and husband with a preoccupation for Vikings football. Looking back, I had the ability, I just didn't make the choice to look to God as my Protector and Keeper. He had been my Savior . . but not my Protector and Keeper.

I recalled the many trips to the emergency room, thinking my spleen must have ruptured (it was just gas) or how the tumor in my brain had made its way into my sinus cavity (turns out there was no tumor, just allergies). I remember countless hours on the internet studying the various diseases I most likely had.

If I had just looked upward, rather than inward, I would have rested in God's presence in my life (and saved us thousands in emergency room visits!). Sure, you get a chronic ache or pain, you go to the doctor, but my pains were emotional and spiritual, not physical. Had I allowed God to 'Sit in the swing' and trusted Him to do the watching over me, I could have peacefully enjoyed the moments God intended for me to enjoy.

I am thankful now, that I have peace and don't excessively worry like I did in the past. I can enjoy living and the many things that God brings into my life . . that are meant to be enjoyed! The difference between then and now, is that now I look upward to God and have peace in knowing that He is taking care of me and truly in control of my life. Hearing Matthew 7:11 reassured me that God is a loving Father and not so much like the earthly father that I had had . . . "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" NIV

This verse told me that God is good.

We may get sick and have problems in life (many of which are brought on by our own sinfulness, I might add . . speaking mainly of myself), but God is God over all. Nothing is out of His hands or too big to handle for His children.

Are you one of His children?